Welcome to TheRalphRetort.com this lovely Sunday afternoon. We’ll it’s still morning here, but afternoon will probably have struck by the time I get this up. Let’s start off with Amy Schumer. You’ll remember that we talked about her a couple weeks back. We showed you how she was under attack by her own rad fem allies over some racy jokes she had told in this past. She’s a professional comedian, so unless you’re a rabid ideologue, you wouldn’t expect her to apologize. But, like many predicted, that’s exactly what she ended up doing. That didn’t buy her much, though. After her GQ spread hit the other day, Amy’s “allies” went on the attack once again.

Here’s a couple photos from the spread, followed by reaction from “professional feminist” Jessica Valenti: gq1 gq2

Obviously, this is a joke spread. I can understand why Disney wasn’t pleased, but most people can understand comedy. But Jessica doesn’t want to understand it, because her job depends on not understanding shit for a living. Also, I can imagine there’s some jealousy, but I won’t go down that path. You all can feel free to, though:

[T]o see a cover where the GQ staff literally took a woman who speaks for a living and shoved a penis-stand-in into her mouth is distressing. One Amy fan and friend of mine opined that the cover “broke her heart”. And the cover isn’t the worst of it. One of the pictures in Schumer’s spread shows her fellating a lightsaber.

It’s clear the shoot was meant to come across as funny and in good fun. It’s entirely possible that Schumer loved the cover and theme for the photoshoot. If so, I’d feel a bit better but would still think it’s terrible…

[T]he cover is a reminder that no matter how far a woman comes – even if she’s a successful, unabashed feminist – there’s always someone waiting to put her back in her place, with a finger in her mouth.


(um, ok?)

It must really suck to go through life being so fucking mad about photo shoots and similar dumb shit. I’d much rather save my strength for the things that you should really get up in arms about. Or maybe she could get up in arms about women being tortured in the Middle East instead of whatever pop culture dust-up she drudges up for the day. The funniest part about her columns now is going down into the comments to see The Guardian audience rip her to shreds. I would encourage you all to enjoy this pleasure as well.


I’ll be back with more in a bit. We have a couple reader submissions to go with the stuff I have for you. I’m also going to do a video on Leigh Alexander and her new buddy Sarah Butts. I have to get my money’s worth out of this new mic, after all.

P.S: Valenti wasn’t the only one to have a go. Some Huffington Post hack jumped in as well. I’m sure there are other examples.

  1. It’s funny when even the readers of these far-left newspapers insult the idiot SJWs. It happens all the time too.

    1. Guardian articles are almost better for the comment sections, because the comments are almost invariably better than the articles.

      The Graun has fallen a long way…

  2. #SJW There’s an absurdity present in Valenti’s arguments that only a “professional feminist” could overlook: “I’m a huge fan of Amy Schumer. Now I want her to change the core of her act.” This makes sense to a radical feminist.

    1. Plus Valenti is talking as if Schumer had no choice or say in this shoot, which I seriously doubt. Schumer has made it clear that she does whatever she wants, critics and haters be damned. So essentially, Valenti is committing one of the major sins against feminism: stripping a woman of her power and agency.

        1. I think that’s the only reason she gets real estate on the Guardian. Judging from how the comments mock her, people don’t read her for the rational debate.

      1. A recent WTF podcast with Judd Apatow talks about Schumer’s role in a movie where Apatow was constantly asking her if she’s okay with the stuff she’s saying and the stuff she’s doing. On all counts she was keen.

        Feminists thought they found a hero in Schumer. Instead they got a committed comedian. Shock.

        1. I’m not a huge fan of her work, since it comes off like she’s trying too hard to be edgy, but I do respect that she says what she wants and does what she wants with ZERO FUCKS GIVEN. Hell, she gives less than zero fucks. She gives NEGATIVE FUCKS. That means when you meet her, you’re obligated to give her all the fucks you’re carrying with you.

        1. It’s Killer Frost, a villain in the DC Universe. This is from her appearance on the Young Justice cartoon.

  3. >”[T]o see a cover where the GQ staff literally took a woman who speaks for a living and shoved a penis-stand-in into her mouth is distressing.”

    Let’s take a look at the photo. Hmmmm. Who is shoving this “penis-stand-in into her mouth” exactly? Did they Photoshop out the man’s hand on the back of her head restraining her from recoiling from the invading phallus; also Photoshopping her hand onto the lightsaber handle to give the impression she’s doing this herself?

    Schumer must be a really good actress to hide the terror she must’ve been feeling as off-camera guns were pointed at her to force her to degrade herself in this photo shoot, right? Because there’s no way she could possibly have the agency to decide this is what she wanted to do, right? This is just the patriarchy putting an uppity woman in her place for taking Chelsea Handler’s drunken slut routine to the next level with a movie in theaters right now where she plays a drunken slut, not that there’s anything wrong with that except patriarchy is bad, mmmkay?

    Seriously though, this strain of SJW is EVERYWHERE you look and it always falls into the same template: Guilty white liberals leaping to the “defense” of women and minorities, howling that they’re victims of RAAAAAAAAAAACISM and sexism as if no woman or minority could possibly be a willing participant that triggers these guilty white liberal snowflakes feels.

    Last week, a hack at AICN described the large gold earrings and a modest gold chain worn by SNL’s Leslie Jones in a Ghostbusters set photo as “somewhat racist accessories.” Dafuq? Earrings are racist? (I guess if you’re a self-hating guilty white liberal, they are.) But to believe that Jones, a six-foot-tall, 47-year-old woman, would’ve had no input into her earring size – as if she wouldn’t look at anything she didn’t want to wear and say, “Get that sh*t outta here,” and then break them over her knee like Bane did Batman – requires the true racism and sexism only guilty white liberals can muster.

    Same with a comment some obviously self-hating guilty white liberal left at io9 in regards to the Star Wars BTS showing Lupita Nyong’o in her performance capture rig. This self-hating guilty white liberal wailed about how RAAAAAAAAACIST it was that she was being hidden as a CGI character (hello idiot, Andy Serkis, white guy, on line STFU for you) and that they alien character design was RAAAAAAAAAACIST. Right. Because a 32-year-old Oscar-winning actress can’t possibly have the agency to choose the roles she plays and thus needs a self-hating guilty white liberal to leap to her defense and speak on her behalf.

    This is Jar-Jar Binks all over. How much of the rage against the Gungun being a racist caricature was based on his being performed by a black man, Ahmed Best? All of it or every bit of it? The self-hating guilty white liberals looked at a black man and projected al their guilt and rage upon the character he was playing to advance their narrative of black people being totally helpless and unable to make decisions without the noble White Knight self-hating guilty white liberals. Unfreakingbelievable.

    Sex-negative prudes like Valenti and Prom Queen Sarko are constantly at war with their fellow regressives desire to smash tradition and upend patriarchy, which for some reason seems limited to being promiscuous slatterns (like Amy Schumer and Chelsea Handler), holding “slut walks” and proclaiming “slut pride” and then clutching their pearls and rushing to their fainting couches the moment a woman actually acts like a slut for comedic effect. Make up your minds, ladies!

    1. I wouldn’t be surprised if the sex negative prudes Sarkessian and Valenti engage in some raunchy stuff outside of their professional victim occupations.

      1. Actually no, they probably don’t. Because patriarchy. Also, do you think that #FullMcIntosh could get down and dirty without starting to uncontrollably sob with self-loathing that he’s committing rape (which all penis-in-vagina sex is according to the raddest of radfems) on Prom Queen Sarko? Beta males like him suffer an extra layer of self-hatred because they can’t bring themselves to engage in homosexual sex (the only valid kind according to the Left) and thus are perpetuating patriarchy with every rapey thrust.

        1. Sark, no, but Valenti, possibly.

          The most radical feminist I knew, who before she matured would say all sorts of the stupid shit Valenti still does, had quite the reputation for being a demon in the sack.

          This is why feminism is such a schizophrenic ideology. The internal contradictions are astonishing. I mean, radical libertarians at least have a logical connection to civil libertarians.

          But radical feminism, which is overtly a female supremacist ideology, has no logical connection to other feminism, at all. It’s not a horseshoe, it’s a fucking Pollack painting.

  4. it was coming after all schumer is successful (I’m not going to say funny cause to me lewis black is funny, danny bhoy is funny, amy schumer has yet yet to get me a to crack a smile) and being a combination of successful, a woman, and “edgy” means the feminist hivemind must attempt to reign you in.

    1. I agree, Amy Schumer is NOT funny. As lady comedians go, Cheryl Underwood is one of the few to inspire belly laughs from me.

  5. My thoughts on schumer aside (don’t find her funny and the second pic can possibly describe some of her success *cough* ahem) Valenti, if anything, sounds like the one with a finger inside her.

    Considering how anal Valteni sounds criticizing Schumer here I’m surprised she didn’t make a stink about the color of the lightsaber she is sucking- I mean fellating on.

    Btw… back to schumer for a sec. There is no way I can see her in bed with c3po and r2d2. Aren’t they gay last I checked?

  6. Schumer would’ve been considered edgy in 1962 but Valenti is the stereotype of an old Cornish fishwife in a small village going back to the first fishwife and small village and the existence of Cornwall itself. Each is slumming in technologies which by their own feminist definitions are outside their ability to comprehend or create. Women’s equality is the Certainty Principle: the closer you look the more it looks exactly like you thought it did when you noticed no women formed terrible armies, raced to the South Pole or built Gothic cathedrals.

          1. Yeah, but opposed to folks like Boudica and Lagertha, Zenobia was an aristocrat who inherited command of warriors loyal to a throne, as op[posed to having the skill and tenacity to fight on the field herself. XD Hense why I bet on Lagertha in a fight versus the other three women.

  7. I personally fantasise about shoving something long and hard into Jessica Valenti’s ever open mouth…..

    the barrels of a 12 gauge shotgun.

    As for the Guardian constantly running her shitty clickbait screeds….well…..they have gone from a once proud and hard hitting paper to Gawker for the chattering classes.

    1. really thats rather. mundane for a fantasy about offing someone. why not a junk jet (or rock-it launcher) filled with teddybears, a puddle of grey goo, a pit filled with coals, death via crappy music, booting her into a pit while screaming “this, is, sparta!”, dropping her into the middle worlds largest thorn patch… multiple times, or something else amusing

      1. Or maybe just feed her lard slowly whilst playing a video of fat girl and fat man porn with a narrator (Sargon would do nicely) fat shaming them…”are you fucking kidding me, she’s 500 lbs and asking whether she looks sexy covered in frosted flakes and chocolate milk, Jesus fucking Christ, you are a fat slob.”

        See whether the lard or indignity kill her first.

        Joke, I have no killing Jessica Valenti fantasy. I dislike her, but hate is too negative to waste on someone so ineffectual.

        1. meh its more entertaining to do when you are someplace that is boring you out of your mind although you are attempting to come up with the most amusing/fantastic way to go along with the mechanics of how it could be done and the reaction and your inevitable tombstone, my best one was being disemboweled by a plastic punch ladle during a very boring family gathering (all the interesting family members where either sick or traveling abroad)

          1. Alas, there are no boring family gatherings in my neck of the woods, whether it is my genius, racist grandfather talking about machining and what a fucking tool Obama is and my 85 year old aunt telling dick jokes, among other things.

            Thus, fun is what I am about.

      2. I wouldn’t kill her. I’d put her in a chemically induced coma and wait until the day we have nanotechnology that can transfer minds and recreate bodies, and bring her back from near death as a 40 year old white man with a super wizard length beard.

  8. Men have a lot to answer for? Fuck that ideologue monkey. I haven’t done a god damn thing to ANY women and I’m certainly not going to be held accountable for things that happened in the fucking past, which have zero bearing on women’s rights in the first world, which is to say, the same rights as men. The laws are LITERALLY the same. God, Feminists and their “we need reparations” are just as despicable as poor (and frequently not so poor) blacks demanding reparations when their station in life is a result of either their families bad decision making, or their own bad decision making. You get your family out of the hole by working hard, and sometimes that means you won’t see the fruit of that during your lifetime, but that’s ALWAYS been the reality of it, for EVERYONE. How exactly do people think the 1% got to be the 1%? Well, aside from the cheating and the stealing…

    1. You had me right until you said “station in life.” Then I just grabbed my wig and started strutting around the house saying, “More?!? You want more?!?”

  9. Ha ha, remember when they started writing clickbait bullshit about “will GamerGate go after Amy Schumer?”

    And now look who’s attacking Amy Schumer.

    1. Said it before and I’ll say it again. They hate women more than what the so called “misogynistic and terroristic Gamergaters” do. Look what they did to someone like Kaley Cuoco who dared to have an opinion of her own. A successful independent woman who has a thought process of her own and they tore into her like rabid dogs because she didn’t subscribe to the dogma of feminism.

      They’re nothing more than the Mean Girl clique who just look to tear down any woman who is either successful, independent or considered beautiful because they’re pathetic bitter individuals who have NOTHING to contribute to this world except for spewing their bile.

  10. For the record, I think feminism’s unwillingness to confront the torture of women in the Middle East stems from its infection by the idiotic philosophy of intersectionalism, which holds that straight white males (And by extension, the countries they rule) are inherently oppressing everyone else (and by extension, any non-white countries), and so all of the ostensibly oppressed people are inherently allies. Intersectional feminists can’t bear to sound an alarm that could be used to justify a war against a non-white nation; no matter how anti-feminist that non-white nation is.

  11. This will keep happening because every SJW is an authoritarian dictator at their core. They must do it as they want it to happen or it’s “problematic” and must not exist.

    On the downside, my popcorn budget is out of control.

  12. Reacting to Valenti saying stupid shit is exactly feeding the trolls. She has her column and is paid for it because she is an exceptionally good feminist troll and feminist trolls extract clicks and comments.

    I am totally unsurprised by anything idiotic coming out of her column. Intelligent, fallacy free, arguments are the only thing Valenti could provide that could even remotely surprise me.

    I actually don’t even think she is an idiot, I actually think she is consciously trolling at this point.

  13. Yes, feminists. Tell me how you aren’t in any way shape or form the mean girl clique sitting around the lunch table looking to tear each other down. Tell me again how you’re above that mentality, feminists.

    I’m not exactly a fan of Amy Schumer, but I struggle to see how any feminist could not look at this and see it for what it is.

  14. Ill bet Valenti gives great dome. I mean, it’s probably the only way to shut her up, so the relief from that alone is probably orgasmic.

  15. Funny, when they do it themselves, questioning it is slut-shaming.

    But when another woman they don’t support does it, they’re being manipulated by the patriarchy.

  16. I remember back when Amy was quite non-PC, now I cringe on her videos since they are quite social justice like. I can’t even believe that she is getting SJW haters considering that she is kind of SJW herself now.
    But holy fucking shit the audacity of this Valenti bitch to suggest a grown ass woman can’t handle herself during her own fucking photo shoot. Feminists really do hate women.

  17. 1) its pretty telling that the default state of feminism is to be upset that a mens magazine appealing to men with its covers. and then they wonder why they’re synonymous with man hating.

    2) just like basically everything SJW’s cry about – i would have never seen it if they weren’t crying about it.

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