2022 was a whirlwind from start to finish…a beating in Portugal, the birth of my daughter, the war with Metokur, lies, wins, Warski getting obliterated, Madrid, another beating in Portugal, although not as bad…and I could do on. YE24, anyone? And for me the year didn’t really end until January 2023 with the successful and fun RalphaMania. I was so worried about that show and I shouldn’t have been. Now that I look back, it may be the last time in my life that I was truly happy. But I still had the drink, along with another problem I thought I had gotten over once again…
In late November 2022, I took my family to Cuba. It would have been a great trip, in some ways, if my dog Tug hadn’t died at the animal shelter while we were away. We found out our last night in Cuba. I don’t think we will ever know for sure what killed him. He was 15 years old, after all. But I believe it was the vaccines at his age, probably made him sick. They made him get some shots to stay there. Sometimes they get shock even at staying at a shelter as well, come to find out. Or it could have just been his time, I don’t know. Regardless, I just can’t help feeling that if I had stayed home that he would still be alive today. Also, he died without me, just like my Mom had back in 2021. I’ve always been soul-crushed by that fact, even thought there was nothing I could do to stop it due to the CDC.
To say this brought back some buried pain would be an understatement. I would find myself in tears at the drop of a hat if these thoughts came into my mind. I remember a couple times having to cut the camera of my show because it popped into my head for whatever reason. I’d remembered having another thought in Cuba…was the dog dying the end of my relationship with Amanda? I don’t know why that went through my head. Well, it may have actually been the start of it, although I didn’t really understand it at the time.
I was having a rough morning thinking about this stuff (it has taken me awhile to even peg just what had come over me, and why, to be honest) when I decided to pull up to a doctor and get some Xanax. I’ve had major problems with Xanax before in my life before, more than almost anyone reading this sentence I can pretty much guarantee you. So, I knew. I knew not to do this, but the voice in my head telling me I could handle it said, “You got this! You know exactly what to do! Just take a few, they won’t notice and you’ll forget. It’ll ease the pain.” That’s one thing Xanax will definitely do…help you forget everything and ease the pain. Now, that pain might be eased because you end up creating another, greater pain, but still. It does those two things!
She came back from a vacation with her family and told me some things that her sister had said. Some words were exchanged through text messaging that I might not have sent otherwise, and then some of my property got “lost,” etc. Relations between her family and I quickly went downhill, is what I’m saying. I won’t go into all that too much. I regret it happening in the first place and my part in it. But this is yet another area that Xanax fucked up my life, basically.
Now, this was in December. I got off Xanax in December. Got married in January and had a successful RalphaMania wrestling show later that month. Then, what did I do? Decide to go right back to Xanax. I don’t even remember the thought behind it this time…and I don’t remember much of the next 3 full months, either. Past and present users of the drug know just how quickly this can happen. It’s sort of scary. And my problem began to get scary on air. It was no longer possible to do the sorts of shows I had been doing. I would nod out or be slurring my words so badly…much more than if I was just drunk. I wasn’t very aware of what was going on. Memory was zero. Some people stopped watchin the show. Other people were afraid for me. Looking back, (as much as I can, anyway) I don’t blame them.
In late April, my wife left me with our daughter in tow. I remember that one! I took one day to adjust (I’ll write about one day in particular sometime), but I’ve been sober since then. 14 days here in a few hours. I don’t blame Amanda, either. There was nothing else she could do, really. I wasn’t going to change anything or was going to half-ass it for a long while before I did. This gave me the brutal reminder of what had really made me happy in life…my wife. My daughter Rozanna. Our family. It wasn’t the pills…or the booze…or even weed. I stopped that, too.
I wish I could tell you that sobriety has made my life easier. It has not. If anything, it is probably a little bit harder, if you want to know the truth. I only had one craving for alcohol, and that was at an airport in Sacramento on Day 2. I’m fully aware that the alcohol won’t make things better, nor will pills, nor will smoke. But the pain of losing my life and my wife, not to mention my daughter…it seems almost insurmountable. We’re only separated for now but, you know, I’m also a realist. There’s a chance (and maybe even a likelihood, who knows) that I could keep on going as I am, sober, on this new path, and still have lost my life. That’s what they don’t put in the movies. In the movie you get your family back, guaranteed.
How does a person accept that unknown…and the unknown makes it worse, make no mistake…and still go on? I called last Summer “Cruel Summer” because of all the damage we were putting on our enemies. I remember thinking it was pretty clever at the time. This is the real Cruel Summer, though. Alone in Mexico with no wife and no daughter, just the memories of them dancing in my head. I can still see them when I turn the corner in this big house that I no longer need. I was used to watching my daughter wake up some mornings, others I would come down and smile at her as she smiled back at me. It’s almost like you really lost them. Her Pack ‘n Play is still downstairs. Many of her toys are, some of her clothes…along with her mother’s. It’s basically a nightmare, now that I think about it. A frozen state there for me to sulk over. A shrine to my failures.
That’s what I wake up to every morning now instead of my smiling daughter.
I am sober, though. I have dropped 14.1 pounds since then. I’m still in contact with my wife and daughter. Things could be worse, for sure. I just won’t sit here and tell you it’s been easy. I’m not talking about drinking or drugging, by the way. I mean it’s been hard just to live, to stay alive, to want to stay alive. It’s funny. If I was a regular person I probably would have killed myself over this shit, to be honest. I guess that’s one “benefit” of being a public person with a lot of people who hate me. I still have an overridding drive to never do anything that makes them happy, and suicide would probably be right at the top of their Wish List.
Why did I write this? It’s not really what you would call a FEEL GOOD STORY, is it? Well, for one, writing helps me process things and I miss it so much. But also, I think too often people assume (Guilty here!) that if they get their demons under control or beaten that they will magically get back everything they have lost. Or somehow their old life will resume apace the very next day. I’m here to tell you that it most likely will not, unfortunately. There will be some rough times. Being drunk won’t help you, though. Neither will being high. My Mom used to tell me that you needed to feel the pain, of life “You can’t hide from life, Son. It’s still there when you wake up.” I told her I most certainly could. And I tried that for a long time. But it took everything from me in the end.
I know not to go back there, but where do I go? I don’t have the answer to give to you. I wish I did. Maybe that’s why I actually wrote this, come to think of it.
Thank you for the many kind words since I’ve been back on the mic. They’ve been much appreciated. Physically, I feel better than I have in a long time. I think it’s coming through on the Killstream. You can actually hear the difference.
The messages of support I have received will never be forgotten. Many collogues reached out as well. I talked to several in my darkest moments and I appreciate their help. Thank you as well.