One of the biggest stories on this site last year concerned the so-called Mattress Girl, Emma Sulkowicz. After her cringe-inducing Carry That Weight “art project,” she put out a porno that supposedly simulated her alleged rape. Needless to say, this woman might be clinically insane. And, if you needed any more proof of that, look no further than her latest “art project.”

Broadly wrote it up, and it may be the most unintentionally comedic post of the year so far.

At the Elizabeth Foundation for the Arts Project Space, Sulkowicz’s hair was a bright pink. In the second floor gallery, guests milled around looking at various projections, photographs and documents, and other works of art by Sulkowicz’s peers. But what provoked the most intrigue was Sulkowicz’s tableau: right by the open-bar wine table was a large rug; upon it, a single chair with a seated, bearded man wearing a suit and a tie emblazoned with the Whitney Museum’s logo.

Sulkowicz, wearing a black coat and nude high heels, was looking out a nearby window, holding a hot pink Nalgene. Two beams hung from the ceiling. A crowd slowly formed around the artist and her set, including a college-aged girl wearing a handmade T-shirt the read “Team Emma.”

Go on…

“What good is art hung on the wall of a sinking ship?” Sulkowicz asks when we first meet three weeks before her performance. She’s explaining a Bertolt Brecht essay she read for the Whitney program, wherein he compared the nation to a sinking ship.

“If our country is falling to pieces and you have artists running around saying they’re political artists, but really their art is hanging on a sinking ship, the ship is still sinking,” Sulkowicz explains. “I was thinking a lot about this—is it really possible for political artists to make work that makes the ship stop from sinking?”

Such pompous pretend profundity from the amateur pornographer.

As Sulkowicz explored that question in relation to performance art, she realized that by design, every sinking ship has a sinking woman on its masthead. “So, I told my classmates I was going to wear an American flag bikini and hang from the wall of the gallery in the shape of a figurehead of a ship, making a statement about the impotence of artwork during our given circumstances.”

As she developed this idea, Sulkowicz began incorporating her thoughts on art as an institution. “[I chose] to have a white man tie me up while wearing a business suit with a Whitney necktie, while I wear a Whitney ISP thong bikini,” Sulkowicz said. Her intense questioning of art and politics, the two worlds that surround her, resulted in The Ship is Sinking, 2017.

As I said in the open, batshit. This is what passes for art in some demented circles.

As the performance started, this man in a suit, named Master Avery, started to berate Sulkowicz. “Your boobs are too small,” he spat. “You can’t even stand up straight.” He pulled a long, gnarled rope out of a black leather bag and started tying intricate knots around her upper thigh. Once the knots covered both of Sulkowicz’s legs, Master Avery started around her waist, moving her body as he worked quickly. At one point, the rope almost hit Sulkowicz’s eye. After a few shocked blinks, she looked up at the audience and laughed…

 After what seemed like days—but was was really about 45 minutes—Master Avery had completely tied Sulkowicz up to a large wooden beam. Using a pulley system attached to the ceiling, he used his whole body to lift her from the ground, and after a few tries, Sulkowicz was suspended with her arms and legs wrapped around the beam, rendering her immobile. The rope visibly cut into her skin as Master Avery took off his belt and started hitting her with it.

Wait, we’re getting to the best part…

Later, she’s taken down from the ceiling but hung back up. The second time around, Master Avery’s beatings became more intense. At one point, he called out to the crowd, asking if anyone else wanted to partake. To everyone’s surprise, one man in the audience volunteered, walking up to Sulkowicz and slapping her hard across the face.

I wouldn’t be able to resist slapping this silly c*** myself, if offered. I would like to shake this anonymous man’s hand.

But hold on, there’s more!

Later, I ran into the concerned viewer in line for the bathroom. They told me that they had just come from a workshop on combating gender violence, and added that there should have been a trigger warning before Sulkowicz’s performance. But the viewer was left perturbed and questioning what it meant to be an unsuspecting spectator to such violence against women, taking their time to enunciate and practically spit out the word “violence.” 

I could not have come up with a better payoff punchline if I was making the whole thing up. The write-up reads like a parody of a parody, which I guess is accurate.

This seriously reads like a piece from an anti-feminist version of The Onion. Are we sure Emma isn’t being paid by someone to create this comedy gold? I’m hoping at least the writer of this piece got paid, because it was the funniest thing I’ve read in awhile.