I’ve talked about all kinds of things on this website. News, comedy, satire, invective, dedication…it’s all appeared on these pages. But I got a tweet yesterday from a guy trolling me that actually made me think of something worthwhile to address, in addition to the apologies that are in order for me to issue.
But before I get to the particulars, let me talk about the idea. The troll was confused about why I was posting about my mother dealing with illness, or my cat having gotten outside and gone missing. Namely, he was accusing me of using tragedies in order to gain sympathy from the mob on Twitter. I can certainly understand why some people would feel this way, and I’ve definitely let down so many key friends and family lately that it would be easy to come to this conclusion. However, it is not the case.
The reason I talk so much about my struggles with alcohol, or my time in jail, or my struggles with weight, or the stuff I mentioned above is that it can be inspiring to see someone fail in such a public way, address it, and then come back to the table again. The one thing you can do is keep coming back to the table. I am having a rough time right now personally and professionally. It is obvious for anyone to see. The natural inclination is to hide and not talk about failures like that sometimes. Everyone wants to present their best face to the public, look their best, be respected, be loved. But it’s very important that we also talk about our fails as well and I will always respect that tradition.
Some people are very private and could not live a public life. Many times over the last 6 months, I have thought about quitting mine. It can be tiring. But the one thing I have always respected, even in my adversaries, is the power to keep coming back to the table, even in the darkest of circumstances, even in the face of the starkest personal failures. I cannot and will not ever stop doing what I do in some form or fashion. The interactions from the ones of you who love or even like me have brought shine to my life during the darkest of times. I would argue that I achieved one of the greatest comebacks in recent online history after the jail sentence and that was because of the support from all of you. I’ve let you down in 2019, and for that I apologize. I realize that some will never come back. They don’t want to hear me, they don’t want to read me. But even if we have personal animosity of some sort at this time, I want to thank the people for their past support as well.
I want to also apologize to Gator and Flamenco. I treated those guys poorly and took their friendship for granted, which is particularly baffling in the case of Gator. The guy has done so much for me and always been there for me. I wasn’t there for him and selfishly let my personal demons get so out of control that they overwhelmed any good in me. It’s hard to know that and it’s harder to tell you that here on this page. But all you can do is address it and move forward. Together with Zidan, Gator and I created one of the most beloved podcasts in recent memory, the Killstream. Our trio was never going to last forever, because it’s not their calling vocation. They still have their feet too planted in the private world, which actually makes me so jealous sometimes, believe it or not. I do not have that. But I am grateful for our time on air together and I even hope that it will happen again someday, even in the face of some public problems in the last week. I still love both of those guys and always will.
Dick Masterson, Mark Collett, Dame Pesos, anyone still publicly taking the position of supporting me…I let you guys down and I’m sorry for that. I want to thank you guys for always being there for me and the show. The achievements of you gentlemen are an inspiration to me personally and I hope they continue long into the future.
And to my wife Nora, I want to apologize. She was originally a much more public face of all this with me and I love her for that. Wisely, she has taken a step back from that role. But I’ve let her down by being such a fucking dumbass in public in recent memory that she can’t help but be asked about it every time she comes online for anything at all. I love you with all my heart and I am so appreciative of what you have brought to my life. You are the most personally outstanding person that I know. I don’t want to ruin your public reputation for burying fools, but you are the best person that I know and you are so interested in making this world a better place that it is personally inspiring to me. To hear me complain about this oftentimes dumb internet shit must be so tiring coming off a 14-hour day at the hospital, but you’ve always done it. You’ve stood by me no matter what over the last 4 years and I will always love you so much for that. Thank you, dear.
I think that’s about it, guys. Thank you for taking the time to read my worn out prose. It feels a bit out of shape, I have to admit. But I hope you guys got something out of it. One more special thank you to those of you still here in some way, still listening to me. I’m going to try to make all of you proud of me during the second half of the year. At times, I may fall short. But I am always trying to think of ways to improve and do better. Now, it’s just important that I put the hard work in. I’ve done it before, so I know that it’s not easy. It’s a lot easier to sit back talk about what you need to do rather than actually doing it. I have been guilty of this far too often this year and I’m going to do my best to address that shortcoming.