I used to sit and wonder how anyone would ever suffer from “burnout.” It just didn’t make sense to me. How could someone with a successful enterprise that doesn’t really seem to involve much work get burned out? Just show up, do your shtick, and come back the next day to do it all over again.
Thankfully (lol), I no longer have to wonder about this phenomenon because I have fallen victim to it myself. Even during the halcyon days of the #Killstream, there were many nights when I didn’t want to go on the air. There were even more nights where I did actually end up going on the air, but only with a few drinks to steel my resolve. This, combined with the fact that the drinking usually did make the show better, led to a bit of dependence. Something that wasn’t required at the outset suddenly became more of a necessity. I’ve heard comedians and other entertainers talk about this sort of thing before, but I never truly understood it until recently.
Now, I could just continue to drink and do the show as I have for the past year. In fact, for many months, that was my conscious decision. I’m not breaking any laws, or the terms of my probation, by doing so. But it has affected my overall health and wellbeing. I remember coming out of that hellhole last February like it was yesterday. I was apprehensive about what would come next, but I was fit, rested, and ready. I can no longer lay claim to any of those. As as result, I’ve decided over the last week to reenter the world of sobriety and fitness. It wasn’t easy at first. It still isn’t easy now, either, but I’ve committed to doing it and will continue upon that path.
It’s been a great year, on the whole. I’ve met many amazing people and done things in my internet career that I never thought I would do. But I’ve also played right into the hands of the people who genuinely want to see me fail by giving them ammunition to use against me. Even though much of what has been said about me is false, I can’t blame the real mistakes on anyone other than myself and perhaps the Wall Street Journal. (I kid…mostly.)
Putting out something like this will be seen as a weakness by some. Others will hold it up as an admission of defeat. But there is something freeing about the written word. As magical as a live show can be, a planned, edited declaration is in many ways more risky than an off the cuff statement. So, here it is.
What will I do going forward? Well, it’s obvious that the show itself is in a state of flux. Zidan and Gator have not “left” the show, but they aren’t “there,” either. They’re pursuing interests beyond this realm of the internet and I do not begrudge that in the slightest. I’m sure they will be back around here and there, but I doubt they will be back day in and day out, as they used to be. As a result, I have to either get used to doing the show solo or with revolving co-hosts, until some sort of new balance can be struck. In truth, I’m still working on it. After doing a weekday show with two other people for an entire year, you sort of get used to having them there every night. It takes time to evolve.
That being said, I’m not going to stop. There are still a lot of people who want to watch my program five nights a week. There are still thousands of podcast downloads. It has been a bit of struggle the last couple weeks, like trying to find a lost object in the dark. But there have been good shows as well. I’ll continue to try to build on those while getting back to the booking of entertaining guests. This is not a note of capitulation, it is one of clarification. I thought it would be better than a 100 word tweet about why I wasn’t doing the show tonight. The reason for Tuesday’s absence? I simply didn’t have enough time to prepare due to “real life” commitments and I didn’t want to “phone” something in, even though Jussie Smollett’s bullshit probably would have allowed me to do so.
I will be back Wednesday night and the rest of the week. I’ll also be in New York City the weekend of April 5th, where I look forward to hopefully meeting some of you. I realize this post will be poured over and parsed in videos and streams, but I decided to make it nonetheless. I hope it proved to be a good enough update on the show for those of you who care to read it.
Thank you, as always, for your support.