How I Lost 50 Pounds In Two Months

I’ve been meaning to write a column about my weight loss. Why? Well, a couple people asked me to, and because I wanted to. I’m going to start mixing in one or two lifestyle columns in per week. I have no idea what they’ll be about. It could be pop culture and it could be a recipe for a badass dinner or some shit, I don’t know. But I just want to mix it up a little bit here and there, adding to the scope of the site. Don’t worry, I’m not going to neglect my SJW-bashing mandate. That will continue. 

But let’s talk about the weight loss. On April 17th, I had some life rearrangements. Long story short, my girlfriend and I went our separate ways. This was an abrupt shock to my system, and I wrote about it here, albeit cryptically. I’ll talk about it more in my book, as our relationship was definitely a part of my GamerGate journey, in both good and bad ways. Long story short, I was on the rocks in late April.

(Anthony Burch reference)

When you’re with someone four years, you get used to them lol. I guess that’s the easiest way to explain it. So, I was depressed. It’s still not the greatest thing to think about even now. But one thing I decided to do, was make sure I used the breakup as a positive catalyst in my life. Thus I decided to get in shape. I joined a gym, hit the bike at my house, and radically changed my diet. You’ll never guess what happened.

I started losing weight.

The thing is, you can just change your diet and loss a shitload of weight, especially if you have a lot to lose. I was at least 300 pounds at the beginning of this. I say “at least” because my weight would fluctuate between 300 and 310 or so. I eventually stopped weighing myself and so I don’t have an original number. I just mark it at 300 because I want to be conservative on the weight loss count. Enough of that though, what all did I do, you ask?

First off, as Mike Cernovich said yesterday, if you stop drinking your calories, you will lose weight. Give up sodas and even dairy, if you can manage it. Bread is another thing I cut out, although I’m not as militant about it. Fried foods and processed meats should be limited if not cut out entirely. Another thing I do is, look at the percentage of calories from fat. So if something has over half its calories from fat, I rarely eat it. Yes, I check labels and count calories. That shit really works.

Cernovich:

Don’t drink any calories other than green juice and protein shakes (with minimal fruit). For 80% of people, that’s the key to weight loss. Cut out the colas, beer, and wine, and you’ll look better than 80% of Americans. Drop the bread, dairy, and processed foods and you’re in the top 10%.

The other thing I would advise you to do, is weigh yourself every day, no excuses. One thing this does is hold you accountable. It can be depressing to see that you haven’t lost weight on a day you thought you should have. But don’t let it get to you. By weighing daily, you always know where you are, and there’s no lying to yourself, or anyone else. Women lie, men lie…the numbers don’t lie.

(Yo Gotti reference. Yes, I’m an unashamed Memphian)

Of course you should mix in as much gym as you can stand. Right now, I’m just doing about 45 minutes of cardio 3-4 times a week, followed by some weightlifting and a 20 minute swim. 100 crunches a day at home is something that I like to do, followed by 20-30 leg lifts. This regimen seems to be working quite well, although I’ve fallen behind the last month due to summer engagements (and eating). But guess what? I’ve still lost 3 pounds and am down to 246. July has been slower, but I know why, and I haven’t lost sight of my goals. That’s the important part. Keep in mind, if your goal was to lose 100 pounds like mine was, that first 50 is gonna be a lot easier than the second 50. Don’t get discouraged.

Once I get down to 200 or so, and get leaner, I’ll look into muscle mass and definition. I’ve just been focused on getting the weight off first, then looking to that part second. One other thing: albacore tuna. That shit is a godsend, and is only 100 calories for a 5 ounce can. I like using hotsauce on it with crackers, or something like that.

The other thing is, if you only eat once a day, you can pretty much eat whatever you want, ignoring most of my restrictions. If you don’t feel you can give up soft drinks completely, try to at least not keep any in the house and only drink them when you’re out. You may find that helps you. Other than that, I can’t really think of anything else that I’ve been doing. If you have any questions or comments, though, leave them down below. I still have a ways to go, but I’m pretty pleased with how far I’ve come in this short amount of time. I can assure you that if my ass can do it, anyone can, health permitting.

I’ll now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Ethan Ralph

Founder, Owner, & Editor-in-Chief of TheRalphRetort.com. Political fiend, gamer, & anti-bullshit.